my new job

I have a new boss. Her name is June. I clocked in June 17th and haven't clocked out. In the beginning I felt so inadequate, wondering if I was doing everything the right way. Wondering if I was going to be successful and even doubting myself at times, questioning if I could really do this... only to be encouraged and reassured by my Mom and older sister Marcie who has recently been a mom (and a very good one, I might add) and knows some of the feelings I might have been experiencing.

It's hard to describe how I feel about this little girl and the new role of Motherhood. But it has changed my life so dramatically that it's hard not to write about it. My heart is so full of love that I can't express it enough. It's a different love, an immediate and unconditional love for someone you don't even know. It's the kind of love that comes with knowing this little being is going to change every single part of your life, like making every day-to-day chores 10 times as difficult as they were before, but you don't care. It's the kind of love that makes me worry, thinking it's too perfect that something bad is going to happen--- creating totally irrational thoughts like Aliens are going to come down in the middle of the night and nab my precious little one. (Haven't you seen Fire in the Sky?) I feel such a great sense of protection, that at times it reminds me of something you would see on Animal Planet --how protective Mother's are over their young, that they would risk their lives just so their babies won't get injured or hurt.
It's quite scary knowing the dependency this little person has on us. Knowing that she can not survive without someone to do everything for her. She relies on Cody and I for every need, and we have to be there.

In the morning when she first wakes up I hear her start to huff and puff over in her bassinet. I give her a few minutes, just to make sure that 6am really is the time that she wants to wake up (but I'm not complaining because she's usually been asleep since 8pm the previous night and hasn't made a peep until now). As soon as I look into her face and she makes eye contact with me, she flashes her big gummy smile and usually lets out a squeal. I smile just as big back into her face and my heart grows even more full. Then I get to unwrap her which feels like unwrapping my presents on Christmas morning. Her arms fling up for a stretch and the smiles continue. Although it's not always like this the entire day, she has her bouts of sad and angry times, but she still makes me happier than I could ever imagine. I am so entertained by watching her little fingers and toes, and putting my own finger into her tiny little grip for her to hold ever so tightly. When her head is resting on my shoulder I can't get enough of all her little smells. Her hair, her neck, her ears, her face.... all have different scents and they are all my favorite. I smother her with kisses, and wonder how she feels about it.

I have a new respect for my own Mother, and am starting to understand the love she has for me. I have discovered there is nothing that shows unselfishness better than this new job of mine. "What, I'm wearing the same sweatpants for the 5th day in a row?" or "I'll eat, once she settles down"---are common occurances in our house now. It is so good to have something so meaningful in our lives. Having June has enhanced the way I live in every way.

So yes, I love my new job better than any job I've ever had (sorry Dad). I love my new role as a Mother and feel so excited that Cody and I get to share the excitement of watching this new little person, the most important thing in our lives, grow every single day.